Kale Crack

Vegans are annoying. At least the Instagram Vegan MafiaⓇ are. They have us out here looking like we all enjoy arugula + flax smoothies for breakfast and air-roasted heirloom tomatoes with 11 ingredient nut sauce for dinner. And the So Edgy VegansⓇ are an equal irritant source. They're basically like "Lunch. I made it as unhealthy as possible, but plant-based. Cuz edgy." 

Everyday veegs just eat food that tastes good and is plant-based. That's it. 

This is the salad I make for my non-veeg friends who invite me to potlucks or whatever. (And when non-veegs ask a veeg to bring a potluck dish, they really mean "Please just bring a salad and none of that artificial meat y'all swear is delicious.") 

Anyway, this salad is stupidly simple. It's spicy, bright, refreshing, yet strangely filling. And for real, it's so addictive. I make a big vat of it every Sunday and eat it over the course of the week  day and a quarter. It's legit crack. Enjoy. 

Salud, 

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Stuff

• 4 bunches dinosaur kale  

• Juice of 1 1/2 lemons (Say 6 or so ounces)

• 3 garlic cloves 

• Nice olive oil (About half a cup)

• Crushed red pepper flakes (Won't tell you an amount because I get wild with mine. You do you) 

• 1/8 teaspoon white pepper (Or not. This is a staple for me, but again - do you.) 

• Salt + Pepper to taste (And by taste I mean don't be stingy. You trying to enjoy your food or nah)

What to do with said stuff

Wash your kale, dry thoroughly and remove the stems. Cigar roll the leaves and cut into thin strips. Set aside. 

I use my trusty mortar and pestle to bang the life out of the garlic cloves, making them a gummy little paste. If you don't need that kind of therapy, use a food processor. You can also finely mince the garlic with a knife, then use the flat sides of the knife and a dash of salt to create a paste by smashing the cloves into oblivion. 

For me, the paste is important because this is soo garlicky and no one wants to unwittingly crunch down into a big piece of garlic. I don't know, maybe you do. Everybody's got their something. 

In a very large bowl, mix the lemon juice, garlic paste and seasonings. Slowwwwwwwwwwllllllllyyyyy mix in the olive oil with a whisk. You want the oil to emulsify, and you can only achieve that by going turbo with your whisk with one hand whilst simultaneously adding in the oil like a turtle with the other hand. You can also do this in the food processor for the same results. (But do it by hand for Insta Vegan MafiaⓇ street cred. They love that pretentious labor intensive stuff.)

Toss the kale leaves into the dressing. Cover and refrigerate for an hour. 

That's it! You just made your new favorite side dish, Buddha bowl base or main entree. You're welcome!